Monday, December 31, 2012

My journeys thus far.. still stateside

What a range of emotions today.
I thought it would be cool to do a quick blog on my travels thus far.
I am sitting in LAX waiting for about another 6 1/2 hours before my next flight.

I'll start with this morning. It seems like such a long time ago! Which could quite possibly be due to the fact I've been up for about 24 hours now, and days fade in and out of one another. As I sat on the tiny plane leaving from Medford, I remembered the other time I was in a similar situation. Leaving for YWAM in Australia. Once again, I was in a seat all by myself. This time around, I was a new person. I'm not sure if I've shared this with anyone before, but when I left Medford for my connecting flight in Portland that day in February of 2010, I was bawling my eyes out. I was afraid of what I was leaving behind, I was afraid of what I was going to miss, and I was afraid of being gone all the way across the ocean. But I wasn't turning back. I knew that was what I wanted to do and where I wanted to be, and I knew I just had to face my fears and grab life by the horns. And I have not one regret about that trip. I would say the opposite in fact! I can't imagine who I would be today without the things I gained from my DTS. Oh but hey, I think I'm rambling... Back to sitting on the plane. I remembered this experience, and sat there in absolute excitement and confidence about leaving this time. We sat on the tarmac for about 20 minutes past our scheduled departure because they were de-icing the plane, or something. It was killing me! Then I got to thinking some more. 8 years old. VBS. When the first thoughts of wanting to go to Africa came to mind. AND IT WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING?!?!?! It's like one of those things that you always imagine in your head happening, but never can get to the part in your imagination where it actually does. I don't think that makes sense.. It just seemed so surreal to me! When the plane started taxiing down the runway and speeding up for liftoff, I wanting to scream and squeal in excitement! But I didn't think that would be appreciated by the other passengers, so I used my self control. :/

Every time I fly, I am in absolute awe of God's creation. There's something ridiculous about seeing that birds-eye view that He gets to see everyday. I was looking at some mountain ranges as we were flying over them, and from way up there they seemed like little sand piles. I could imagine God creating them, shaping them each individually with his hands, giving particular detail to every crevice and creek and tree. And then thinking how not only does he know those mountains and their shapes intimately, but he also knows every creature that inhabits those mountains, and created them as well. I don't know how people can deny God when they fly! His creation is absolutely remarkable.

Then I landed in LAX. The nightmare. I grabbed by checked bag (because I booked a separate flight because it was cheaper) and began my journey to find my next terminal. I asked for directions on which way it was (because I'm a girl and I'm not afraid to do that), however, I am also a "I can do it myself" kind of person, so I got the directions for walking there instead of taking the free bus.... rookie mistake. The guy at the information desk said it would only take about 10-15 minutes. I'm up for a little challenge, and I've done that before with more weight. Lugging approximately 85 lbs of luggage, I took off. Without going into detail, I missed a sign a few times (Yes, same sign. Yes, I did a few circles.) and ended up walking for nearly an hour. About half way through that journey I took a break to sit down and to look up online where the heck I was supposed to be. In the process of trying to do so, I ended up on a page giving flight statuses. And what did I see. Oh you know, just that my flight in 5 hour was CANCELLED. ?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!!? Yeah, panic filled me. I knew that if the flight was cancelled, I didn't have the money to re-book. and I would be straight outta luck and stranded, not to mention not be in Uganda in a few days!! So on top of the fact I was 'lost' (the part I hate to admit is that where I had stopped to look at this information was where I actually needed to be minus taking an elevator up one level..... but I only saw ONE sign that said that! a lot later! ok, I'm a little bitter...), I had the looming fact that my flight might have been cancelled. And I needed to figure out that situation ASAP to know what my next step was. All I could do was pray and ask that God would guide and protect me in this situation that I had no control over. When I finally found my way to where I needed to be, I checked the screens with flight statuses. I couldn't find mine on there at all. So I went to the information desk again (girl moment!), to find out it had been delayed 2 hours. Now, this wasn't the best information to hear, but I was PRAISIN' THE LORD that my flight had not been cancelled!!!

Needless to say, I still have 6 hours here in LAX. I just want to find somewhere where it's not so dang cold! I have a textbook I need to read before I reach Uganda anyways, and I haven't started it yet. So that's what I planned on doing here beforehand. The funny thing is, because how ridiculously long it took for me to get to this stupid terminal, even with the delay, I have about the same amount of time I had expected to have with the original layover.
Oh and yeah, my shoulders are quite sore from that wonderful journey with the luggage..

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Discouraged.

I hit another wall today.
I can't tell you how many times I've felt unsupported by churches.

I get so discouraged when I think about my future in missions and ministry. Why are people so afraid of money issues in the church? Is bringing up the fact you need money a disgrace to God? Even Paul asked for money. It's humbling enough in itself to ask people to support you. Then I'm told that I shouldn't be asking for money, because it's not an appropriate venue. If my church body is not an appropriate venue, what is? Is it because I'm young and less experienced? Is it because I'm not a full-time missionary, so I'm not allowed to ask for money for missions work? Maybe these are valid reasons, but I believe one's heart and intentions in the matter should be taken into consideration.Why is it that people are afraid of money issues?! The body of Christ should want to know our problems, so that they can help support us in prayer.
Just when I felt I had found a place I could trust and was comfortable with and could see myself with for awhile, I am hit with a hard reality check.

I want to do missions. God wants me to do missions. Why doesn't the church?

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Should I stay or should I go now

Ug.
These last two weeks of school this semester have been and will continue to be super challenging for me.
I'm constantly reminded of the fact that I won't be here next semester, and what all exactly that entails. It's really hard for me to comprehend that these might be my last few days to spend with some of my friends that will be graduating this year. I have to remind myself to live each day purposefully and enjoy the time I have with them. I know that this opportunity of studying abroad is something I've wanted to do for awhile, it's just hard to embrace the goodbyes. I hate goodbyes, I really do. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me positive is thinking about the fact that I will be living in AFRICA! That is, after all, something I've wanted to do for 13 years now. It doesn't make the goodbyes any easier though!

I feel like I'm grasping on to each and every opportunity I have to spend time with friends before I leave. The end of this term snuck-up on me! I am understanding the idea of "living each day as if it were my last" in a new light. It's kind of funny, because I feel like my professors are taking on this same idea as well. I feel like they're giving us their "last rights", teaching us what they really want us to know even if it isn't what's on the syllabus. I kind of love it! I get to see what they really are passionate about, and it all boils down to them caring about us, the students. It makes me really appreciate and love Simpson even more, because the professors really care about us.

Needless to say, I could use some prayer. As I don't have all of the finances in yet, I can't say for certain where I will be in a month. Not that this is new for me or anything, it doesn't make it any easier. I'm not an emotional person, but this has been an emotional week. On Monday during our weekly CAB meeting (Campus Activities Board, aka my job), my boss Sarah gave me a farewell of sorts; it took nearly everything in me to hold back the tears. I know I've already said it, but it is SO hard for me to imagine not being surrounded by those people in less than 2 weeks! It's also hard to respond to the questions asking if I am excited to study abroad. Sure, of course I am! If I'm going to. But a neat little secret of mine is that I haven't allowed myself to mentally and emotionally commit to the fact that I might be in Africa in January; I think it's easier to make a quick transition to the fact that I'm there in comparison to planning on going and then not. It's hard for me to fully invest in any possible situation and outcome; that's not the easiest to do! I really hate that question, actually. It just reminds me again of the uncertainty that fills my life.

I trust God. I know that what happens is in His will and I will be ok. But I'm still human and imperfect and this is challenging for me.