Maybe it's a prayer?

Here I sit, purple headband, neon leg warmers and all.
Distraught.
Annoyed.
Baffled.
Emotional?
Frustrated, confused, and alone.

I feel like I never have enough time, money, wisdom, or knowledge; and if I ever have one, I don't have the other, and that frustrates me. I didn't have the courage to step out completely in faith. I could only go halfway. And in going halfway, it didn't leave me with any feelings of accomplishment, but rather, I wish I had gone none at all.
Did I know what to do? Possibly. Did I feel confused, unsure, frustrated, rushed, yet touched? Most definately.
Do I know what to do now? Absolutely not.
Was I looking forward to a few things? By golly, yes!
Can I do or have those things now? I do not know.

"Ah, sinful nation,
a people loaded with guilt,
a brood of evildoers,
children given to corruption!
They have forsaken the Lord
they have spurned the Holy One of
Israel
and turned their backs on him."
Isaiah 1:4

Guilt-awareness of wrongdoing: an awareness of having done wrong or committed a crime, accompanied by feelings of shame and regret
A brood (a breed, species, group, or kind)of evildoers-a person who does evil or wrong.
Corruption-dishonesty for personal gain: dishonest exploitation of power for personal gain
Spurned-To reject disdainfully or contemptuously; scorn; kick

I want to do more, but the pressing truth is that I have to take care of other things first. God knows that. Doesn't He? Well of course He does...
But somehow I can't manage to understand that, even though He has proven Himself worthy many a time. But I still am human, an human in err. I don't even know if I used that word properly.

I can still change my decision. After the fact. Just like last time. And I know everything will turn out right, it has to.!?
But I thought I was supposed to do something else with the money?
A few something else's.
Maybe this is more important.
More pressing.
I don't know.
Why me?

I of all people should have the most faith.
Wow that sounded kind of arrogant, I did NOT mean it like that way.
God has shown me in my life what it means to have faith.
Ok, well I think I know now.
I know, but will I do when it comes down to it?
God, give me the strength.
Remind me that what I have is really yours.
And I will make do.


This song was in my head while writing.