"THE FEAR"

Unless you’ve been through re-entry, I don’t think you can understand the depths of the struggles it brings. In all honesty, I’m supposed to be writing an 8 page capstone paper right now, but that involves looking back over this past semester, and I’m not really ready to face the fact that it’s over. Because that means I am one step closer to leaving, and one step closer to going home. Don’t get me wrong, I do want to go home; but at the same time, I’m not yet ready to leave my friends and family and life here, and I’m not yet ready to face the difficult process of re-entry. I’m not sure if I’m better off having been through this before so as to know what is to come, or if naivety would be the best for me. Don’t really have a choice though, now do I!

I want to write this to share with you what I’m going through right now and what’s to come for me. There’s been a lot I realize I haven’t blogged about, but, I guess I’ll just have to share all of it in person! J I have one day left of classes (by the time I post this it will probably have been finished) and then a week of finals (aka a few papers and a few presentations). We then have the weekend and 2 days left with our families before we say goodbye and head to Rwanda for 10 days. Here, we will learn about the genocide that happened in 1994 and the peace processes that have been implemented since. I’m interested to learn about some of the programs for peace because I’ve heard a little bit about them from a friend who was in this program 2 years ago. I’m also interested because I wrote a 10 page paper on this last semester for my social justice class. Aside from my previous interests, I also know that learning about a genocide in the places it actually occurred is going to be challenging. We’re reading a book about it right now and watched a documentary this past Monday and wow. Needless to say, I imagine those 10 days are going to be intense. Following the Rwanda trip, we return back to Uganda for 4 days of debrief and re-entry stuff. I’m excited for this bit, but also not looking forward to it at all… I already want to cry when I think about having to say goodbyes! One redemptive aspect that I get to look forward to is the following week. I booked my return flight for a week after the program ended for some extra travel—of which I am SO GLAD I did! During that week, I plan to go visit and stay with my wonderful host family in Kapchorwa (where I did my rural homestay) for a few days, I will be visiting my Compassion Child Rita (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and then will return for 2 days back here in Mukono to stay with my family again before I leave. I’m pumped to see my brother Jonathan again, because I had to say goodbye to him mid-February for boarding school. So while it will be difficult to say goodbye to my Ugandan friends (ie the dance team) and my American friends, I am so glad for that last week of amazingness!

One thing I have gained from this trip is the importance and value of community. Which is why I am so terrified of returning home. I know when I go back home, everyone will be doing their own thing with school, work, life, etc, and I will no longer be surrounded by this community. I will be left to process what I’ve experienced and just life in general here in Uganda and then try and somehow combine my new/old life back home in America. I feel like I’m not making any sense, so I’m going to share with you some notes I wrote about a month ago when I started thinking about this whole re-entry mess. (HA! I looked at the date I wrote it, and it was literally one month minus a day ago.)

Help me to re-enter hints and tips:

*Surround me with love. I just left a community—2 actually. Africans live communally, so that presence will be gone. Also my community of other home-stay students. We all experienced vastly different lifestyles and problems than at home, and we went through them together. We learned together, grew together, challenged each other, and cried together. Some of these things will be tricky if even possible to express; leaving that community and being put back into our old lifestyles is going to be radically challenging. So surround me in love. Let me not have too much free time alone within those first few weeks back home. I will need solo time to process, but too much solo time might make me lonely.

*Ask me about my trip! Ask to hear stories. But please ask for them in person if possible and when we have a lot of time to talk. If you want to take me out for a coffee date I would be more than obliged to share! ;)

*Don’t be afraid to talk about other things. While I will want to share stories, I also want to hear about your life! It’s a two-way street. J

*Don’t, please don’t, say phrases similar to “I bet you had the time of your life!” While this is true, it has also been probably the most difficult thing I have done. And I can’t communicate that effectively quickly. And because of that, such phrases are frustrating, because I don’t feel I can give you an accurate description of my trip in response. Maybe just say that you are glad to see me... or better yet, say “Welcome back!” Because that phrase will probably make me smile. (I hear it many times a day here.) (Except when you say it, maybe pronounce it “we come back!”)

*Remember, even though I was in a foreign country, I wasn’t on a mission trip, but was going to school.

*Also please remember, I do want to see you and spend time with you, but I’m broke as a skunk!

*Along those lines, if you know any places that are hiring for full time or close to full time, give me a holla!

*I will have so much I would love to share about what I learned regarding cross-cultural ministry, working with the poor, etc. so if you have an inkling to hear, I’d love to get together and chat!

*Words of encouragement and prayers are also wonderful!

So with that said, yes, I’m pumped to come home and to see you all and to do things I’ve missed (AND DRIVE!), but I’m also terrified of leaving, of having to say goodbye yet again to people and places I’ve come to love, and of saying goodbye to this community. On that note, I’m also looking forward to taking what I’ve learned about community and bringing it back home to my circles to hopefully see a more African lifestyle embraced.

One more very important thing. I just discovered the artist Ben Howard, and he is wonderful and you should look him up. Specifically his song “The Fear.” Some of the lyrics are just too applicable right now.

I just wrote a blog instead of writing a paper. How typical.