Bitterroot, Bitterfruit

Over the past few months, I've been struggling with bitterness and judging others. This isn't something I've struggled with quite the same before, so I didn't recognize it right away. But by the time I did, it had taken a strong grasp on my heart.

As I've thought about why this has happened in my life, I realize it's because I've been living a life on my own, without seeking after God's presence. I judge because I do not love. I do not love because I do not dwell in His presence. I am not getting filled with Him, so the overflow of my heart is far from love.

I sat in an interview yesterday and it hit me full force. I wanted to cry in the interview, get up out of my seat and hug her, asking for forgiveness. I have allowed the bitterness in my heart to slowly cover my eyes in darkness and block out the light. I have not been seeing people as God sees them, but rather how my human heart wants to see them. It's been hurting, not only me, but my brothers and sisters.

Each person is unique and beautiful in their own God-designed way, and I want my eyes to be uncovered to see this beauty again. I don't want to see people out of my eyes, but out of eyes filled with Christ's love.

Dorothy Day

I've been inactive on here for quite some time... life kind of overwhelmed me. I plan on writing a bit to explain my past year at school, but for now, I have this to share!

I'm beginning to read a book for my internship class called "Dorothy Day Selected Writings". I've not even left the preface and introduction yet, but there are already things I've loved. Here are a few snippets:

"Going to confession is hard. Writing a book is hard because you are 'giving yourself away.' But if you love, you want to give yourself.

Uganda on my mind

I really don't want to post this, because it's vulnerable and talks about feelings and if you know me at all you know I don't like doing that very much. But maybe it will resonate with someone else. If it does, I'd love to know. If it doesn't, no need to say or do anything. I just had to get this off my chest and hope that it can be helpful to someone else.
Gah I hate emotions sometimes.

It always goes back to Uganda.

It's radical to me that in the time that's passed--just a year, but I've done a lot in the past year-- I still cannot shake Uganda from my mind. I don't actually want to shake it from my mind, though. But it's more than just on my mind, it's on my heart. Something will trigger a memory of an experience or a person, and the rest of my night is shot. I can't do anything productive because I'm filled with sorrow over missing everything about Uganda, the good and the bad.