I really don't want to post this, because it's vulnerable and talks about feelings and if you know me at all you know I don't like doing that very much. But maybe it will resonate with someone else. If it does, I'd love to know. If it doesn't, no need to say or do anything. I just had to get this off my chest and hope that it can be helpful to someone else.
Gah I hate emotions sometimes.
It always goes back to Uganda.
It's radical to me that in the time that's passed--just a year, but I've done a lot in the past year-- I still cannot shake Uganda from my mind. I don't actually want to shake it from my mind, though. But it's more than just on my mind, it's on my heart. Something will trigger a memory of an experience or a person, and the rest of my night is shot. I can't do anything productive because I'm filled with sorrow over missing everything about Uganda, the good and the bad.
It's something that makes me feel weak when it happens; I can't control when I'm going to have feelings about Uganda, and I can't control the depth of which I feel them when they come. There has never been one thing in my life more prominant than Uganda that has ever made me feel more weak, more vulnerable, more captive, or more out of control. I feel captive to my emotions and to my experiences from Uganda.
I never know what is going to trigger them. I never know the extent to which I'm going to feel them.
And I don't feel as if it can be truly understood by anyone and that's what breaks me the most.
And yeah, the tears are on the brink of streaming down again. I kind of want to scream. When it hits me the hardest, it literally feels like someone is grabbing my heart and squeezing so tight, causing it to break from the inside out.
My triggers tonight: Thinking about how I spent time around Easter in Lira, Uganda last year, looking for a blog post or pictures on the experience there, and then finding this post.
You should go to Uganda and live with a host family and be blessed in ways you may never see until many, many months later. Ok, please.
Gah I hate emotions sometimes.
It always goes back to Uganda.
It's radical to me that in the time that's passed--just a year, but I've done a lot in the past year-- I still cannot shake Uganda from my mind. I don't actually want to shake it from my mind, though. But it's more than just on my mind, it's on my heart. Something will trigger a memory of an experience or a person, and the rest of my night is shot. I can't do anything productive because I'm filled with sorrow over missing everything about Uganda, the good and the bad.
It's something that makes me feel weak when it happens; I can't control when I'm going to have feelings about Uganda, and I can't control the depth of which I feel them when they come. There has never been one thing in my life more prominant than Uganda that has ever made me feel more weak, more vulnerable, more captive, or more out of control. I feel captive to my emotions and to my experiences from Uganda.
I never know what is going to trigger them. I never know the extent to which I'm going to feel them.
And I don't feel as if it can be truly understood by anyone and that's what breaks me the most.
And yeah, the tears are on the brink of streaming down again. I kind of want to scream. When it hits me the hardest, it literally feels like someone is grabbing my heart and squeezing so tight, causing it to break from the inside out.
My triggers tonight: Thinking about how I spent time around Easter in Lira, Uganda last year, looking for a blog post or pictures on the experience there, and then finding this post.
You should go to Uganda and live with a host family and be blessed in ways you may never see until many, many months later. Ok, please.
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